Ask Pact: How to Talk with Kids About Adoption-Themed Movies

by Beth Hall & Martha Rynberg

Q: Now that my daughter is old enough to go to the movies, she is eager to see all the movies her friends are talking about at school. It seems like almost every one of them touches on adoption in some way! I know she already feels “different” because she is adopted, so I don’t want to make her feel even more different by preventing her from seeing the movies that all her friends are going to. At the same time, I hate to expose her to stories that present a distorted image of adoption, or cast it in a negative light. Do you have any advice? How can I protect her from harmful stereotypes and prejudices while still allowing her to have fun?

A: One of the most popular themes in children’s movies is loss of parents, often followed by some variation on adoption. It is hard to think of a recent animated kid’s movie that doesn’t touch on these family themes. And that means that adoptive parents (and their allies) have to find ways to monitor and manage the information that their children take in along with compelling and popular media images.

It’s the age-old balancing act of “protect vs. prepare.” We can limit what they see but we can also support them as they process what they have seen. Kids like to fit in — so seeing the new kid’s movie that all their friends are talking about might be really important to them. And it is equally important for you to talk with them about it.

We don’t need to demonize a movie — or the film industry. But we do need to help children understand how to view movies (and other media) with a critical eye, and not assume that everything that is portrayed is either real or accurate. There is a two-pronged goal for adoptive parents — make sure that important conversations about adoption and other family matters are happening with you AND teach your child adoption-positive values and facts so that they learn to recognize misinformation and/or wrong values even when you are not around.

How-to suggestions: Whether the movie features a quest to find a missing parent, or an abusive orphanage — get in there and help them figure it out. Be empathetic about how it feels to have a whole movie theater laughing about a joke that places them at the brunt end. Help them understand that while most movies don’t get it entirely right, there are only a few that are truly toxic. Kids need our help to learn how to tell the difference.

Connection is the name of the game. When kids see stories that touch on their own — even if remotely — it offers them information. It is up to the important adults in their lives to help them make sense of that information. It is valuable for parents to watch films with their children, including some that they may not fully agree with. This can spark important conversations that help children learn how to think critically about information they are fed from various popular-culture media sources.

How-to suggestions: Kids (just like most people) don’t like being put on the spot. On the way home from the movies, or digging the popcorn out of the couch before bed, try making sweeping observations and wonder out loud. (“I noticed that the main character didn’t know much about why her parents couldn’t take care of her. I bet that would be really confusing to not know my story.”) Maybe your child will pipe in with his/her opinion — or maybe just listen. Don’t let silence be a deterrent. (The car is a great venue for these conversations: private, but diffused, casual eye contact in the rearview mirror, but not an intense stare. Chores at home also serve the same vibe — togetherness, but gently distracted by activity.)

Its okay to like a movie AND talk about how it portrayed adoption. If we make a movie “bad” our kids might feel “bad” for wanting to see it or for enjoying it despite the movie’s flaws. There are very few depictions of real life in popular culture that get it 100% “right” for any of us — and of course we all have different values and definitions for what “right” is anyway. When we avoid putting our kids in a position to defend a movie, it is more likely that they will be open to analyzing it.

How-to suggestions: Take the opportunity to help them decode adoptism (or racism, sexism, heterosexism, etc.) by finding the balance between the parts you enjoyed about the movie (“I really like the main character’s sense of humor!”) and the parts that made you uncomfortable (“I was confused about why…”).

Kids are concrete learners; even if they are aware that the story is pretend, it can still feel real. We can start to grow our kids’ media literacy by talking about what the filmmakers might not know about adoption and what our kids, adoption experts, do know. If a story features a girl who doesn’t have adults taking care of her then filmmakers can more easily explain how it is that she goes on wild and crazy (or dangerous!) adventures. We often like stories that are outrageous and really different from our own lives — so we make up scenarios that let characters do things that we wouldn’t ordinarily do.

Thor: He is of Asgard and he is my brother!

Black Widow: He killed 80 people in 2 days.

Thor [deadpan]: He’s adopted.

“The Avengers” (2012)

How-to suggestions: “It really makes me mad what they said in The Avengers about adoption. Why did they have to put that in such a good movie [assuming your child or you think it was good]. Obviously the director needed a consultant who understands what adoption is really about. Way more non-adopted people have killed people than adopted people. That was dumb!”

Don’t let movies be the only way you talk about adoption. Our kids deserve to feel a sense of mastery of their own story — which means our families need to practice talking about it — a lot. The more our kids get to hear and see and feel about adoption –their own, and also the huge diversity of adoption experiences — the more prepared they will be to see a movie (or read a book, or respond to a question) and know what parts are based on truth and which parts are sensationalized or stereotyped. Our kids are developmentally changing all the time. Their understanding of adoption changes as they grow, and we need to keep refreshing the discussion even if we as adults feel like we have covered it already. Read stories, watch movies — but most importantly talk about adoption.

You don’t have to be perfect — but you do need to show up. Your kid(s) need to know that you are with them in figuring it all out. They need to know you are paying attention and are emotionally trustworthy. The more you connect with them over things as “simple” as an adoption-themed movie, the more likely your connection will be strong when more complicated issues arise, adoption-related or not. Our kids need to know who they are and the value of their own story — so that they are not as vulnerable to the mythological or gratuitous representations of adoption that are so abundant.

Beth Hall is the Director of Pact; Martha Rynberg is Pact’s former LGBTQ Family Support Specialist. Both are adoptive parents.