Dear Abby Got It Wrong
by Pact Staff
You can speak up too. Contact Dear Abby to share your own experience of adoption and let her know what kind of advice you believe would be helpful in situations like this.
The nationally syndicated advice column “Dear Abby” recently featured an inquiry from an adoptive parent of a six-year-old that read in part:
“Opal was recently permitted to spend two hours with her biological mother at a party for a sibling….I later found out her bio mom told her she gave birth to her so SHE is her REAL mother.
We never hid the adoption from Opal. We speak about it in a way that isn’t negative or hurtful. Since this happened, Opal has reverted to being clingy and wakes up with that conversation on her mind. How do I address this with her bio mom and with our daughter? — REALLY MOM IN KENTUCKY”
What can we learn from this letter? The family has an open adoption. Good! According to the adoptive mother, the parents speak openly about adoption with their daughter (though research has shown that adoptive parents generally over-estimate how often they directly, proactively address adoption with their adopted children). There is ongoing contact between the girl and her first/birth mother. Good! The child is growing up with opportunities to know and spend time with the person who gave birth to her and who connects her to her genetic legacy and family of origin. According to the child, she and her first/birth mother had a conversation in which the phrase “real mother” was used, and the girl’s subsequent behavior indicates this has stirred up some big feelings in her. Very normal and understandable. The mother would like some advice on how to support her child in this moment; also not unusual.
So how does Jeanne Phillips (the author of the Dear Abby column) respond?
“First address this with your daughter. Explain that when her bio mom gave birth to her, she was unable to keep her, so she gave her to you to raise. Tell Opal you love her, she fills your heart with joy every day and that you, unlike her bio mom, will be there for her every day of your life.
Then, tell the woman who gave up your daughter that you had planned to tell Opal about the adoption when she was a little older, that she bungled the situation and that, for the foreseeable future, you want her to stay away and not further traumatize Opal.”
There is so much about this response that is deeply misguided! No adopted child should ever be made to feel that she must chose one parent or set of parents over another. No adoptive parent should ever denigrate their child’s first/birth parent, or make their child feel that if they express sadness, confusion, or anger about being adopted they will be hurting their adoptive parents’ feelings or interfering with their “joy.”
If she follows Abby’s advice, the adoptive mother will miss an opportunity to explain to her child, perhaps not for the first time and certainly not for the last, that because she is adopted she has two real mothers: one who gave birth to her and one who is raising her, and that they both love her very much. Adopted children often encounter the phrase “real mother” and it can be very confusing; both adoptive and first/birth parents can help them understand it better, and ideally can work together to make sure they are on the same page about how they talk about it.
The second part of Abby’s advice is frankly bewildering. She seems incapable of understanding openness in adoption, and takes the first/birth mother to task for talking about adoption at all, even though the adoptive parent already indicated they have an open adoption. She takes as a given that Opal has been “traumatized,” then recommends suspension of all contact, truly the nuclear option.
What is the evidence that Opal has been traumatized? That she is acting clingy and wants to talk about what she heard? Sounds like a child who has something on her mind and wants reassurance. We would hope that the mother would have one or more conversations with her child along the lines outlined above, listening carefully to her, normalizing her feelings, calmly answering her questions, and giving her helpful language to understand their family formation. She could also reach out to the child’s first/birth mother and let her know what they have been talking about and how.
The suggestion that cutting off contact is warranted is truly dangerous advice. Adoption is complicated, and it is not unusual for adopted children to have emotional and behavioral reactions as they struggle to understand why their family is different from other families. Some adoptive parents are all too eager to cut off contact, which is complicated for them too; because open adoption benefits adopted children, adoptive parents should consider suspending contact a last resort, to be considered only after all other options have been exhausted, including consulting with an adoption-literate family therapist.
For the sake of the child, we sincerely hope that this mom in Kentucky has been able to connect with knowledgeable sources who can give her and her family the support they need on the complex lifelong journey of adoption. And we call on Jeanne Phillips, who is seen as a trusted source of advice and expertise by so many American families, to update and expand her understanding of adoption as it is practiced in the 21st century.
You can speak up too. Contact Dear Abby to share your own experience of adoption and let her know what kind of advice you believe would be helpful in situations like this.
