Things Adopted Teens Wish Their Parents Knew
by Pact’s Youth Club @2007
Understand that when you ask me to be something or someone I am not, it affects me. These kids tell us that sometimes they feel as if they don’t know who they are or where they fit because they have had to change families, cultures and sometimes neighborhoods or even states or countries.
Don’t push me to be something/someone I am not. Adopted and foster you often feel that people have expectations of them that don’t meet their needs. These teens need parents and adults who are willing to help them regain control of their own destiny rather than telling them who/what they should be.
Don’t act like something/someone that you aren’t. Teens being parented across racial lines need caregivers and adults who acknowledge that they experience the world from a different perspective and always will. Parents can and should be supportive of their children, and help them find their own positive identities as people of color.
I wish my parents wouldn’t keep things from me. Adoptive and foster youth often don’t even know their full history. They are trying to “find themselves,” which means they need to explore not just the information they have but also that which is missing.
Respect me for who I am. It’s not only about adoption. A universal goal that these kids often feel particularly adamant about.
Understand that because I am adopted, I might have more feelings than kids that aren’t adopted. Teen years can already be challenging. But adopted teens have to deal with additional questions and issues that other kids might take for granted: knowing who their birth family is, or negotiating racial situations that their adoptive parents don’t share. This sometimes makes kids more vulnerable to feelings that can place them at risk for volatility.
No matter what I decide to call you, I still and always will love you. Teens can say and do things they regret as they work to find themselves. It is important that these families receive extra support so that they don’t fall apart under the additional pressure.
Get to know me before judging me. When children have more than one identity because of their adoption and racial heritage, they can feel defensive about the ways in which those around them define and categorize them.
I don’t like it when you make assumptions about how I feel about adoption. There is no one who understands this experience better than those that are living it.
